When Bed Bugs Happen to Clean People

In a climate where it feels like no two people, groups, or entities can reasonably get along, I believe I have uncovered a unanimous truth that may unite us all: bed bugs are the fucking worst.

We uncovered our bed bug infestation this summer in Chicago. We moved through the summer months; enjoying many a cocktail on a lovely rooftop, an excellent beach volleyball league, countless street fests, and walks along the beautiful urban shores of Lake Michigan. No matter what activity we enjoyed, it seemed that mosquitoes just loved me. By July, I was joking that Off! Deep Woods was my eau du saison while I acquired new bites night over night.

Throughout these ventures, work travel took us to and fro, mainly to our favorite cities San Francisco and New York. “Off! Works so much better in other cities,” I moronically rationalized as I boarded and deplaned in a new city each week. Ignorance is bliss, as they say, and we were blissfully unaware that we were not the only things living in our home.

Four trips to four dermatologists, a 10-day treatment for Lyme’s, and an Orkin visit later, we’d discovered the truth: we, clean people, had bed bugs.

When St. Leo from Orkin first informed us of our infestation, I believe I reacted as any normal 28-year-old woman would. I immediately burst into tears, starting sprinting between the front and the back of my apartment, then called my fiance to immediately come home from work because I was having a full-blown melt down. St. Leo agreed to have someone come spray immediately given my (mature) reaction, and was even lovely enough to lend me three pair of latex gloves because he thought it’d “make me feel better.” In that moment, those gloves were the last lifeline I’d had to my life of cleanliness and faith in hygiene.

Per direction from both Orkin and the internet, we bagged everything and anything that would fit into a garbage bag. I think I threw away at least a quarter of the contents of my dresser — still entirely unsure what was in there, but baby just can’t have that hanging out in the house.

Orkin has since sprayed three (now 4) times, and our apartment is an all-out war front against bed bugs. We have carpet tape placed strategically across the floors, traps nearly everywhere, operate out of the same 7 outfits — fashion is now the cycle between drying clothes to kill any critters that may be caught within. We tossed our mattress, got rid of the couch, and I will happily dispose of anything that doesn’t bring me joy. I am Marie Kondo-ing the shit out of this place.

Going to bed is a process that entails layers upon layers of clothing that don’t help, slathering myself in tea tree and peppermint oil (also doesn’t help), and lying awake in a full panic that you’re getting bitten by an intruder in your own home. Once I do fall asleep, it’s not uncommon for me to shoot awake and go sit in the bathroom to “wait it out.” What am I waiting out, you might be asking? No clue, but the porcelain and tile give me a very false sense of security in this uncertain time.

Financial ruin due to the cost of Orkin and bug-fighting materials aside, did I mention this happened 2 months before our wedding? In a time that is already stressful with long-distance planning, I became an all-you-can eat buffet, and not the fun kind like at Olive Garden, for the bed bugs while my fiance (now husband(!!!)) had absolutely zero bites that showed. Turns out, there are two types of people in the world: those that react to bed bug bites and those that do not… as a “reactor,” you can imagine I’ve got some THOUGHTS about this insect.

Facts* about Bed Bugs:

*the majority of these facts are “sourced” from across the internet. Read: this is what I do while we’re up until 3am and I can’t remember what websites I see things on so citing anything is just impossible at this point.

Update:

It is 5 days after a wonderful weekend in San Francisco getting married… we had a blissful 10 days celebrating our marriage with our family and closest friends. It was truly a dream. 48 hours into our return to Chicago, I have thirty — THIRTY — new bed bug bites on my ass.

Orkin is currently at our home, and we’ve called in a heat treatment team to come inspect and hopefully eradicate them once and for all. I AM GOING CRAZY. CAN SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME THERE IS AN END IN SIGHT FOR THESE GOD AWFUL INSECTS.

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