How does it feel?

Recently, I have noticed that I always wanted a better situation.

The great part of the love I received was through food and practical assistance. I do not want only this anymore. I want to be heard and cuddled.

“How does it feel to be abused?”, she asked on Monday. I said: “it is to be disrespected”. But, it is more…a lot more. It is to be controlled…suffocated by the will of others.

I am here digesting the feelings…digesting the question that she made me. It is Wednesday. I don’t know how many days I will need to treat the wound. I just started to look at it. It’s been a long time without treatment.

Should I assume the control? However, isn’t what I’ve been doing? Compensating the lack of control that I’ve got through?

What about those situations I have to trust?

Let me tell you something. I have this medical condition that I have to take intravenous medicine at the clinic every two months. I feel that I don’t have control over this. It is an anxious situation.

Tomorrow is the day. Again. What a disturbing sensation.

What could I say to myself to understand at once that this is a good thing for me? I permit them to do that. I have a choice. Right? Do I have other options? It doesn’t seem to be. It is a particular condition.

Anyway, this is a huge personal challenge for me: trust my body to others (even though momentaneously).

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