Qantas lounge for dummies

Talk to any business frequent flyer and they’ll tell you flying every week for 6–12 months sucks. The 3:30am wake-ups, cramming paper receipts in your wallet, having Friday drinks on the plane and eating Mustard n’ Pickled from Grill’d at least twice a week.

To be honest, the real reason they endure the frequent travel is (1) they have no choice and (2) status credits. The pinnacle of any new frequent flyer noob is the almighty ‘Gold’ status — a ticket into the gateway of the Qantas Club lounge.

I waited a good 6 months for this moment. I became obsessed with tracking status credits after each flight, as the little red plane moved up the rung towards ‘Gold’ at 700 status credits. This was my sole purpose in life. Status credits.

Finally, one Saturday morning I woke to check my phone, “accidentally” opening the Qantas app and seeing a beautiful gold curve on the corner of my screen.

I had 710 status credits. I am a Gold Frequent Flyer Member. I am now always invited to the exclusive Qantas lounge. I am successful. I am accomplished. I am superior, unlike my old silver frequent-flyer self.

I immediately proceeded to calling my family and friends about my amazing achievement. Of course, I had to remain somewhat humble. “So next time you fly to Melbourne, I’ll take you with me to the lounge.” Oh, how generous of me…

I spent the entire weekend in anticipation of my first lounge experience on Monday morning. I’ve heard stories — about the amazing granola, passionfruit cake and unlimited wine. Now was my moment to relish in the glory of being ‘Gold’.

Here’s a brief run-down of the protocols for all you other Qantas lounge noobs out there — or poor aspiring silver status fledglings, who will one day move up in the exclusive Qantas club.

Remember, when you’re in the Qantas lounge, you’re surrounded by people of significant importance and privilege. Be like them. Pretend to be productive and perhaps slightly arrogant.

But don’t forget the days you were a bronze and silver status flyer. You weren’t necessarily as important. But you valued time. You probably slept in for 30 minutes extra, had better coffee, found a couch to sit on and got through the boarding gate slightly quicker.

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